Short Term Memory

How soon we forget.

I am one of those people who has a photographic memory, or at least I used to, back in the day.  In the middle of an exam, I could close my eyes and visualize my notebook, or the exact paragraph of the textbook where the answer to the question lay.  Even today, over 40 years since I graduated from high school, I can remember notes to self or phone numbers I've written them down once or twice.

So why is my memory so bad when it comes to relationships?  Why is it so easy to forget the promise I made nearly 40 years ago, to love my husband until death do us part? I do love him - don't get me wrong.  But it's very easy for me to be discontented or frustrated in our marriage, simply because my husband is so different from me.

Barnabas Piper would understand.  He wrote about his frustration with his wife when she critiqued a bit of writing he had done.  When she gave her honest opinion that it should be scrapped, Barnabas became sullen.  He forgot that his wife is his greatest supporter and encouragement.  His memory failed him.

Barnabas wrote,

 Memory isn’t only what happens to come to mind as we turn our thoughts to past events; it is a purposeful act of looking back. It is intentionally recalling the moments that led to this reality.

Purposeful.  Intentional. 

 Memory must be controlled.  

So when I go to bed alone, again, I must remember that my husband loves me, that he considers me his best friend, and that he is not intending to cause me pain when he stays up reading while I go to sleep.  I must remember that he is a night owl and I am a morning lark.

When I do not get an answer to a question I've asked for the sixth or seventh time in a row, I must remember that he is a thinker and he's pondering what to say.  Just because I am quick to respond, doesn't mean he has to be.  God made him a deep thinker, and that is good.

Our Personalities are Different

Rick Thomas wrote about a simple way to figure out what type of person someone is.  The article makes the case that the Bible's assessment of our personalities is not very flattering - we have a problem with the deceitfulness of sin.  This problem does not end when we become Christians, although the Holy Spirit dwelling within works in our lives to sanctify us daily.

Personality is not the Point

The point is this:  We are to die to self, daily.  We are to grow in Christ, daily.  We are to exhibit the Fruit of the Spirit as we love God and love our neighbours, moment by moment, hour by hour, every single day.  The best way to do that is to sharpen our memories, holding fast to what is good and rejecting what is evil.

Sharpen the Memory - Look Back on Life Through Biblical Lenses

This world is broken, but it's also beautiful.  When I look at life I must see the greatness of the Creator as well as the fallenness of mankind.  I must use my transformed memory to look back and see how the Lord has been good, working in our family, showing His power and His great love.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.(Romans 12:2 ESV)

My husband bought me this beautiful ring, simply because he loves me.  It has 12 tiny diamonds set in the edge (one for each of our dozen children).  The inside of the ring is filled with hearts - 14 of them!  The perfect number to represent the two of us and our large family.

I have made a promise to myself, that every time I look at this ring on my finger, I will remember.

I will remember that

• God brought us together!
• God has blessed our marriage.
• Our relationship matters - to God, to our family, to the world
• My husband loves me.
• I love my husband.
• We are in this together, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health
• We are a reflection of Christ, the Bridegroom, and His Bride, the Church
• We are together until death do us part.

I will remember.

Mutual Encouragement in the Middle of a Messy Life

Janet, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be a wife and mother, set apart for the gospel of God concerning His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord, through Whom I have received grace...


To all those who struggle with an imperfect life, a difficult marriage, and hard circumstances:


Grace to you, and peace, from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.


The Apostle Paul, a humble servant of Jesus Christ, was providentially hindered from going to Rome so that all Christians could benefit from the theologically rich letter that was written so long ago to the Romans.  This encouraged me today:

For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you—that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith, both yours and mine. Romans 1:11-12 ESV

Mutual Encouragement


Christianity is never to be lived in a vacuum.  There is nothing inherently spiritual about being cloistered in a monastery or living life as a hermit in a cave.  Yes, God sometimes calls His children to live apart for a time (Jerome, Paul, John Bunyan, John) either in exile, in prison, or some other solitary spot.  However, for the most part, the Christian life is to be lived in community - within families, churches, groups, towns... interacting daily with others in similar circumstances.  That's where the "One Anothers" of the Bible are worked out.  We are to love one another, pray for one another, encourage one another, rebuke one another... the list goes one.  And we are also to mutually encourage one another as we share our faith.


Marriage


The best relationship in which to mutually encourage another to walk in faith is within the marriage relationship.  Ideally, marriage should be based on friendship, on developing a closer and more intimate bond as the years fly by.


Jill Briscoe's marriage demonstrates this mutual encouragement.  She prays, 

"My heart beats for the man in my life!  The one You gave me nearly 50 'man years' ago.  My husband; my other self; my friend - for whom I thank You every day.  How could You match me a man so well?  One who never allows me to take myself too seriously?  One who has brought the soft colours of life, love and laughter to my 'worry world', teasing out the knots of knottiness in my stomach - chivvying me into rest.

One who constantly challenges me to be the woman You want me to be, because he insists on being the man You want him to be and nothing else!  Jesus first and last: Jesus all in all!  I LOVE that in him, perhaps above all else.  What a gift!  No grey in this partnership, only the rainbow of promises, even after rain.  Hear me for this man of mine - and Yours." ~ p.11, 12 The Deep Place Where Nobody Goes by Jill Briscoe.

"No grey in this partnership," Jill Briscoe says.


No grey, eh?  


That's all very nice.  I'm glad for Jill, and for others like her who have a "singing, shiny marriage", who are perfectly partnered with the love of their lives - the one person who is most compatible with them, who understands and accepts and deeply loves them.  


What of those who live in the grey?  


What about wives who struggle with feelings of inadequacy, with lack of confidence, with a certainty of worthlessness?  What about those who wallow daily in the depths of despair because their life seems to be constantly changing from the mountaintop triumphs to the valley of despair?  Has God forgotten them?  


What about wives and husbands who are opposites in everything - in the things they love, in their goals and aspirations, in how they handle money, sex, time, children... everything?


The question is, "To Whom should they go?"  



The blessing of having a husband who is not perfect is that it should drive a wife to Christ.  He IS PERFECT!  He is the One with all of the answers.  He doesn't miss a bit of the struggles she goes through.  He is never without compassion, and He is full of truth and grace.  


I remember, as a young wife, going to our pastor with some deep concerns.  I was told "go home, and submit to your husband."  I felt as though the pastor patted me on the head (not that it happened) and said, "There, there."  I felt completely patronized.  Yet, because I didn't have anyone else to turn to, I turned to the Lord.  I devoured His Word.  He gave me the strength to carry on, and I began to understand that this world is not meant to be a perfect place.  It is full of sin, full of trouble, full of difficulty.  Yet God has planned that we should serve Him right where He has planted us.  


I learned that I could glorify God in the middle of my painful circumstances.  


I learned to re-interpret the lies the devil whispered to me, and to think God's thoughts after Him.  I do not believe that I would be the woman of faith that I am today, were it not for our trials and tribulations.  We've had plenty of those, but they have served to teach me that God is good, all of the time, in every way.  People are sinners, no matter where we go.  It ought not to be a surprise that they sin against us.  At the same time, we sin against them... so we have to learn to make much of Jesus and to allow ourselves to die, to diminish, to fade away.  There is joy and abundant life in Jesus Christ and in living in the Light of the Gospel every single day.



What about my own husband?  I've hinted that, unlike Jill Briscoe, my hubby and I are strange bedfellows indeed.  We are opposites in what we like to eat(me: healthy; hubby: sweets), to watch on television, to do for fun.  We are opposites in how we handle money and investments (he is high-risk; I am no-risk).  We are opposites in bedtime routines (he's a night owl; I love mornings!).  I love to talk.  He hates to talk.  I thrive on relationships.  He's more of a loner.  I fly by the seat of my pants; he likes routine.  I love to travel; he'd rather stay home.


What was God thinking, bringing us together?

In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory. Ephesians 1:11-14 ESV

Know this: every single event that occurs is in some sense predestined by God.  It is no mistake that I am married to a husband who is very, very different from me.  God has purposed that this relationship is the best one for me - the one in which we can best learn how to mutually encourage one another in this walk of faith.  In this marriage, with all of its grey, and all of the various colours of the rainbow that swirl up and down as changeable as the weather, I can glorify God.  In fact, I do glorify God.  


I love my husband.  He is funny and brilliant and steady and loyal and rock-solid. He is independent and quiet and a bad communicator, so I am still learning how to draw him out without being disrespectful.  I still have lots to learn from this man, and God knows this.  


So, if you struggle with an imperfect life, a difficult marriage, and hard circumstances, be encouraged!  God has not forgotten you.  He is with you in the middle of your mess.  He will provide everything you need for life and godliness.  Walk with Him.

That's What the Promise is For

It's been nearly 37 years since I stood, as an 18 year old bride, at the altar of the massive Anglican church in Stratford, and made a promise that was reciprocated by my 22 year old groom.  Thirty-seven years of dancing in the minefields, reflecting the Son of God to each other.

I am thankful that God has held us together, and that Rick has reminded me time and again that he loves me.  He doesn't so much remind me with words, but by being there, day after day, week after week, month after month.  He gets up in the dark and heads out to a cold truck to bring home the bacon.  He says to the kids, "Where's your mother?" and I know he wants me to just come and sit with him at the end of a long day.  Companionship is more important to him than communication - which is more important to me. 

But we keep dancing.

In the minefields of life.

Bright and Shiny

Some days, the love is so amazing that it takes my breath away.

Today, God blessed me with glimpses of His love.

This morning my big kids sat with me and sipped their coffee or tea while chatting. That may seem like an ordinary thing, but it was special. They could have been checking email. They could have been reading or eating or chatting online or doing a myriad of other daily tasks that occupy their minds and time. But they chose to sit with ME. And I felt loved.

I got a long, lingering hug from my youngest. Nothing like that. Nothing at all.

I drove my new (used) van to church. We all sang songs together as we listened to Casting Crowns and talked about the lyrics and our similar experiences. Nothing like shared struggles.

I was blessed by the reading of the Word of God before the sermon. Rick put just the right emphasis, tone, inflection and seriousness into his reading to bring the passage to life. I was blessed.

I listened to an amazing sermon about our amazing God, who has eyes of fire and a mouth with a sword that convicts men of sin and exposes the darkness. This same God, this Jesus with white hair and shining face (signifying purity) told John not to fear. All men will wail when he returns, yet we are not to fear. He loves us. Nothing in all of the universe compares to that.

Then, something happened that made me all "bright and shiny". My husband prayed in response to the sermon. And what a prayer! He spoke about how, when he was first married to me, he would spend a lot of time just gazing at me, loving me. He spoke of his longing to do the same, some day, with Jesus, the lover of our souls. Oh, there was more, and all of it blessed me. But to know that in some small way our marriage -with all of its flaws and struggles and tears and heartaches and joys and sorrows- ... in some small way, it reflects the glory and love of God. My husband relates his love of me to the love he has for God. Wow! That is a sentiment, nay, a reality, that I will cherish all of the days of my life.

And now I am bright and shiny. Glowing with love and grace. Basking in thoughts that took my breath away.

I love you, Rick. I'm glad you love me, too.