I wish I could just sit down and talk to her. I wish I could ask her how she felt when she was pushing 56. I never thought to ask her about it THEN, when I was only in my 30's. It didn't seem all that important.
I wonder if she felt like a failure. Did she worry about how her kids were doing, or whether or not they'd turn out okay. They were all grown up by the time she was in her 50's, so the issues weren't quite the same as those I am facing. But, I wonder.
I think, wouldn't it be nice to sit and sip a cup of tea and ask her bunches of questions.
I miss having a mother.
And then my mind wanders to myself. I AM a mother. My kids have me to ask questions of. They have me now, to share ideas with. But, do they?
But not always.
I don't blame them a bit, for I am not the perfect mother.
I lose my temper and write nasty notes to straighten them up and make them fly right, so to speak.
I lose my composure and cry, sobbing great big tears and letting them run down my cheeks and hit my lap (if they reach that far before I wipe them and the snot away, wondering how I can produce so much liquid from such a dry old grannymom.). I know my tears make them uncomfortable. I am sorry.
When I think of myself I realize that I will never be the kind of mother I wish I could be, I wish my kids had. I want to show grace to them always. I want to be wise, and good. I want to demonstrate love to these great works we have been blessed with over the past 37 years. I do it sometimes, not very well, and not often enough. Too often I demonstrate the opposite - impatience, foolishness, worry, crankiness, selfishness. Just those qualities I hate. Just those qualities I want them NOT to have.
When I'm weak, YOU are strong, and I'm carried along by the power of Christ in me.
Lord, show my family love through Your power working in me. Demonstrate grace to them, and kindness, and wisdom, and strength. I am oh so weak, but You are NOT. I pray that You will so work in my life that they will see the glory of You in the middle of all of my weakness.
I no longer have a mother.
But I do have a Father - an all-wise, all-knowing, gracious and good Father, who loves me.
Boggles the mind.